I know I haven’t been easy to live with the last few weeks. It was so scary for you when I went to the hospital. It was so scary for you to see all those people around me and all those tubes and wires hooked up to me. I’m sorry you had to see me like that.

I know my mommy patience has been non-existent lately. And I know you don’t understand anything about hormone levels, or post-partum blues, or even really understand that there was a baby in my belly that was going to be your little brother and now there’s not. So I know it scares you a little when I get angry at you for just doing the normal stuff you do…or cry because you won’t let me put on your shoes. I know you have been very confused and frustrated because of all this and I’m so sorry.

I just want you to remember one thing when you’re older, and telling your therapist about this time in your life. While we were at the park on 4th of July and I felt that initial explosion of pain…I suspected right away what had happened. Then, while we were in the car waiting for the rain to stop, I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. I knew I should have your daddy take me to the hospital right then and there. Instead, I made him take me to Grandma and Grandpas, and then promise that he would take you back to the park to watch the fireworks.

I especially didn’t want you to miss that experience. You have never missed a celebration from the time you were born, and now that you’re old enough to remember them, I did not want to take it away from you. I wanted you to see the sky bright with glowing sparkles. I wanted you to remember the smell of Legion popcorn and the sour sweet taste of 4-H lemonade.

Things are rough right now kiddo and I feel terrible about it. Two is hard enough without all this additional scary stuff…but hang in there. It’ll get better. I promise.

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It is always the way; words will answer as long as it is only a person's neighbor who is in trouble, but when that person gets into trouble himself, it is time that the King rise up and do something.
- Personal Reflections of Joan of Arc

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